Observations

If you want to get more hands-on in investigating your teddy’s potential liveliness, perhaps in an effort to show your teddy bear who the boss is, another good way to find out just how lifelike your cute bear friend is involves close observation of the bear.

When I write observation, what I really mean is a close inspection of the teddy bear. What is the teddy bear made of? How is it’s condition? Is there something fishy or unsettling about the bear’s expression? Is the bear an alien in a cheap disguise inexplicably dancing at a McDonald’s for a scene devoted to product placement in an incredibly awful E.T. knockoff?

Let's not forget too soon.

It’s one of those new robotic teddy bears, honest! Hey, the extras are buying it!

These questions all matter a great deal when weaseling out the answer to that little itch in the back of your mind. The itch that just knows that something is up, but can’t prove it. Unless…
Can you?

The answer is yes, probably. Take a good look at your teddy bear. Don’t worry about it coming to life and attempting to hurl pernicious comments about your the state of your sanity, for teddy bears are markedly more subtle than that, and are unlikely to show any sign of life even when you’re digging around their insides, getting deep into the fluffy stuff.

A few key giveaways regarding materials include, but are not limited to: parts of the teddy bear that seem organic or even fleshy, such as the skin under it’s fur (if it even has fur in the first place), or a self-contained beating heart tucked deep inside the bear’s cotton innards, or–pray it never happens–discovering entirely organic insides to your little toy-shop friend. For that possibility alone, it’s advised that you bring cleaning tools when attempting to perform any sort of surgical investigation. There are other materials that are likely to give a teddy bear cause to move around too, such as sawdust filling from the remains of a wooden puppet that may have also been granted life, or strange, indefinable foreign fabrics, especially those that are unbelievably soft.

Other physical signs that a teddy bear could be creeping around by night or by day include strange, unnerving, or sinister expressions, especially if they seem to change ever so subtly after you look away, or leave the room. We as people are taught to look past the physical ugliness of others, but that doesn’t mean we don’t recognize it. According to personal research, If someone constructs an ugly teddy bear, that bear is almost four times as likely to turn out living than a regular looking bear of the same design. Besides expressions, other telling signs include burnt or chafed fur, unholy designs marked in dark ink, unnaturally glowing eyes, and unusual smells.

Also, if a teddy bear possesses a perfect set of human dentures, those almost certainly did not belong to the bear originally.

teethy_bear

One Response to Observations

  1. shitinmyass says:

    What

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s